Save Me, I'm Losing My Mind

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what my issue is. I guess I'm just realizing that everything I thought I was, everything I thought I'd figured out about myself and the world...was wrong. Especially the part about myself. I know the world is a messed up piece of crap...and that still holds true, but its myself that I've sadly mistaken. I'm not who or what I thought I was, and that's the bottom line. Turns out I'm a selfish, self-centered, moody, angry, upset, depressed, hateful, heinous, and pretty much a waste of good flesh. I don't know why I talk myself down all the time...maybe its because I'm trying to counter the truth in the fact that I subconsciously think that I am all that and a bag of chips and a chocolate milkshake. Maybe if I admit that I think that...then things will change. I hate that though. I hate people like that, and that means I'm a hypocrite. This is why I hate myself. Right now, if there were two of me, I would beat the living crap out of myself...because I deserve it. If it wasn't for self-inflicted pain inhibition, I'd probably have already knocked myself unconscious.

I can't say enough how much I hate myself right now. Seriously, I love the preppy wenches in the hall more than I love myself right now...and that is REALLY sad for me. I know this is the second entry like this...but maybe if I write it down enough, I'll get it out of my system. I don't know what's causing me to freak out all of a sudden. It's like my sanity has finally slipped into oblivion...and here I am. I've felt like putting my fist into a wall or a pane of glass before...just to bleed and feel the pain to know I'm still alive...but NEVER have I wanted to beat the living crap out of myself before. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to kill myself. I want to beat myself senseless so I can wake up in pain, the issues deadened by it, forgotten because of it. The worst part about it though is because I just don't know WHY????????? WHY do I feel this way? WHY do I want to inflict damage on myself? WHY am I letting whatever the heck it is get to me? WHAT IS MY ISSUE.

Now, normally I would be able to sit for a little while and sort out my problem and get over it pretty quickly. This has been hanging over my head like a poisonous black cloud for three days now. Hopefully there isn't a fourth. I'll wake up feeling like this, then the middle of the day gets a little better, then later on it starts to get worse again. The worst part is also knowing that everyone else is right. My mom is right that I'm lazy and am going to end up workin at McDonalds for the rest of my life. My stepdad is right that I'm a failure. My best friend is right that I'm being a bitch about the whole thing. My sister is right that I'm a cold, unemotional, heartless human being. Everyone is right, and I am wrong. I always have been. I try to be right...but I never am...so whatever.

And look at me, now I'm acting like the emo love BRAT from DA that attempted suicide because he can't work through his own issues, because he got dumped by a girl he claimed he loved after a week and a half of going out with her. He wants attention...I must too. Really, I like to stay far away from the spotlight and have people just leave me alone. I guess this is me crying out for attention that I don't really want in the first place. I don't know. I'm just confused. And now I realize that I am writing a journal entry that is all about me. ME ME ME ME ME. That's all my life is I suppose. It's all about ME. See how self-centered I am? It sickens me. I hate self-centered people, and I suppose this is why I hate myself so much.

Whatever. I'm starting not to care anymore. I'm so sad and pathetic....don't pity me, I don't want it. Or maybe I do and just hate myself because I want it....I don't know. I'd prefer to think that I don't want pity and I don't want attention. I'd prefer to think I can work this out on my own. I'd prefer to think that I can think for myself and I don't need some counselor or some other moron telling me what I'm feeling and how to deal with it. I don't need someone giving me pills for a disease I don't have.

If I were able to duplicate myself and say something to myself, this is what I would say: "Erin, you are the most idiotic person you know! You aren't the piece of crap you think you are. Stop acting like it. Stop making yourself and everyone else believe that. You do think it's all about you, so stop your pity party and tell all the guests to leave, parties OVER. Get over yourself and get your head out of your arse cause its so far up there you can't even see daylight anymore. JUST STOP FREAKIN COMPLAINING. Stop complaining about how sad and pathetic your life is. Stop complaining about how you'll never be anything. JUST STOP." Then I would promptly start beating myself to a bloody pulp. Because I am one of those people I hate. I am one of those people that I want to line up and mow down with a sub-machine gun. At least right now...that's what I am.

I don't know what's going on in my stupid little brain, but I wish it would stop. I know I have the choice to keep going with this or stop, but quite honestly, I don't know how to tell myself to take the choice that means it'll stop. I'm sorry I had to write all this up. Thought maybe it would make me feel better. Guess not. I tried. I just wish I knew what was going on....

I'm lost and I need to be found. God please give me your hand and pull me back up to where you are. I'm teetering on the brink of collapse and all that can save me is you. I'm backslidden, I'm a sinner, I've ignored you. I don't deserve to be saved, but I've reached my breaking point. It's either back to you or further down. Please save me...please take my hand and pull me back into your good graces...Forgive me...love me.... 

Currently Listening A Different Kind of Pain By Cold Anatomy of a Tidal Wave see related

Sanity Hanging by a Thread

I think I've just about had it with myself, my sanity, and this semester in general. If I had a multiple personality, this would be the time it would be kicking my @$$ halfway across the planet. I hate myself, I hate what I've done with this year, I hate the stress I put myself through. I have no one to blame but myself. The main source of the stress is this USC class in which I don't seem to be learning anything. It meets once every week for only 50 minutes...seems like nothing right? Well, thats not true. I don't feel like typing it all but lets just say I have some papers to do that I haven't done and they are worth a big portion of my grade. The reason I haven't done them isn't because I haven't felt like it, its because I've been focusing on the work from all my other classes. Honestly I think I'm doing pretty well in all my other classes, but USC is the kicker. It's kickin my tail and wiping the floor with it...and its not even a hard class. It seems irrelevant at this point. I haven't been to class in the last 3 weeks and have two papers to write for it that aren't going to help me anyway. I know what major I want, I know what career I want. The class has served its purpose. Now its just a bunch of inane BS that I don't care about and therefore I've pretty much decided to say "Screw it." And what's worse? I'm doing better in CALCULUS this semester than USC!!!!!!!!!!! (which is an intro to university studies course)

I shouldn't...I know I'm only hurting myself, but I just don't care anymore. It's caused me more stress than any other class, leading me to believe that USC is the class that gives all college classes a bad name. That's just the way it is. This is what I believe is the root of my problem. Right now I feel like if someone were to look at me cross-eyed, I'd go nuts on em and probably end up causing bodily harm to them. This is why I think I would just feel better if I could duplicate myself and just start beating the crap out of me. Needless to say, I've had it. I've had it with ME...period. I know this is all my fault and I know that there really isn't much I can do about it now. Point blank -> Erin's screwed.

Then there is that ultimatum that's floating over my head like a black cloud. My mom tells me that she won't pay for my education next year if my GPA isn't 3.2 or exceeding. So far I have a 1.6, I would need a 4.0 this semester in order to bring that up to a 3.14. That was the goal...it is a goal I am sadly going to miss. Either way it has been decided that I will have to go to community college over the summer to make up for the crappy GPA I've already gotten. Not only that, if I want to continue living at my house over the summer, I have to work full time. This means taking 1, 2, or 3 classes while working an 8-5 job, plus the homework. This is what I have to do, or my parents are going to kick me out. They mean it this time. I have nowhere else to go....

Then there is the option of trying to live in FL over the summer and work there while going to community college there. Well this works...if I can even afford to get down there in the first place. Then when the end of the summer draws near, I have to quit that job that I would hopefully have gotten and withdraw from whatever community college I went to. The only reason this becomes an option is mainly because in Roxboro, you pretty much have to have a connection with someone to get a job. I'd try Durham, but on minimum wage, I think its stupid to work your butt off all day just to pay for the gas to get to and from work...and there is no surplus. I find it senseless and retarded, but what other options do I have? Thats where FL comes in.  But then the problem becomes getting down there in the first place. Whatever, I'm tired of thinking about it.

Yesterday, I was in a decent mood. Today, that has all pretty much gone down the toilet, never to be seen again. I think the straw that broke the camel's back, however, is the statement that was made to me from a friend of mine who used to really like my artwork. He hasn't talked to me in two years so I thought I'd show him a few things, show him how far I'd come. His statement to me was, "I don't really know how to say this, but I thought you were better 2 years ago...," HOW CAN SOMEONE PRACTICE SOMETHING FOR 2 YEARS AND END UP BEING WORSE??????????? It just DOESN'T happen!!! It shouldn't bother me. I haven't talked to him in two years and frankly, I don't care what anyone else thinks, so why should I care what he thinks? I think I've gotten better. Shouldn't that be all that matters? I don't know why I've taken it to heart so much...maybe because my artwork is truly the only thing I put my heart and soul into on a daily basis. It's the only thing I try not to cop-out on, the only thing in my life that I've grown a little confidence about. His opinion shouldn't matter. Maybe its the built up stress and that was the last straw before my sanity started to unwind. I feel like its hanging by a thread and all it'll take is one more miniscule thing to sever that last link with it.

I hate myself, I hate what I've done, I hate that its getting to the point where I don't think I can handle my own issues. I refuse to go to a counselor because I feel like that's me saying, "I can't take care of my own issues anymore and I need someone else to do it for me," and I can't say that...I refuse to. I tell myself I don't have any problems, I tell myself I can handle stress, but I know deep down that I cause all my problems and stress and if I could just beat the crap out of myself just once, I'd get my act together and do what I need to do to get by. It is my fault, I have no one else to blame. Perhaps my step-dad was right when he said I was a failure in more ways than I can count on my fingers. I certainly feel like one....

God help me....I'm going crazy.....

Currently Listening Year of the Spider By Cold Wasted Years see related

IT IS FINISHED!!! YAY

Hurray! I finished Cerberus! I am SO happy with how he turned out...course the photo BITES THE DUST but it was the best one I could get and I worked on it in photoshop for a little while trying to make it look a little better. It worked a little, but overall the photo still bites. You can't see nearly as much detail as is actually there and the lighting is funky. It's so much prettier in person :) Well I was gonna post the finished product but my internet isn't cooperating tonight AT ALL. *sigh* I guess I'll upload it when I get back to wireless internet and broadband. *shrug*

Anyway, so my day. Went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned and then came home and applied for 3 more jobs. I applied at CVS pharmacy, Movie Gallery, and Radio Shack, though I think that last one might be out of my league as far as what I'm looking for. They are looking for people who want careers, I just want a summer job *shrug* I dunno. I applied at Blockbuster too, but I dunno. I gotta try applying to pointless palace before all the little high schoolers do -_- yeah I know I was one only a year ago, bite me. I would go into the details of the job search but I don't feel like it. I will say that turning in my app to Movie Gallery was a weird experience, but to know the full story ya gotta know me and IM me or somethin cause I just don't feel like typing it out....

I'm so glad Cerberus is done, now I can get on to other projects. For a memo to myself of my to-do list I have to draw something for Jello for getting my 2000th pageview on DA, something for Zyleeth from DA because she's awesome and comments on almost everything I post, and something for Shinerai's bday. I finished Lisa's yay! and I also have to redraw that trade with Wolfie >< I'm such a procrastinator. Speaking of which, its kinda funny, my anthropology professor sent out an email the other day saying that our kinship projects werent due the 15th of March and I quote him exactly "Stop emailing me and just enjoy your Spring break!" XD it was so funny cause I can see him sitting at his computer pulling his hair out because people won't leave him alone about the darn project.

I don't remember if I posted something about this earlier, but I was kinda excited the other day when I got an email from Brett in high school. I was excited because I kept meaning to get some contact info for him so that we could get in touch again, but I could never seem to get it >< but he said he got curious and typed my name and dragons in a search engine and got my DA website, which is (for all those that don't know and care) http://shadowdragon252.deviantart.com So he looked around and found my email address and emailed me. It was quite awesome.

Anyhowever, it's time I went to bed. I gotta go get my hair cut tomorrow and have to actually be up at a decent hour. So, I'm out....later

Currently Listening Infiltrate-Destroy-Rebuild By CKY Escape from Hellview see related

Making Progress! This is cause for happiness! *dance*

Yay I'm making progress on Cerberus. All photos as of now suck so I will refrain from posting any >.>  The backgound is finally finished. I will be pleasantly pleased when its over. I love painting this, but I've been going at it for 3 days now. It's just time it comes to a close. I think I'll be pleased with it once it's finished though ^.^

So today...yeah, um, I had an extremely mentally slow day. I was on my way to the post office and ran a red light. This is because it turned yellow and I didn't know if I could stop in time. Well, for some reason I slammed on the brakes and low and behold I knew that by the time I stopped I'd be in the middle of the intersection, so as the light turned red I sped up and straight through it. I didn't get caught thank God, but then whats worse that adds to the slowness? Stopping at a green light. I almost did but when I saw it was green I quickly sped up and got out of the vicinity before anyone saw me...More because it was embarrassing than anything else. Then I got to the post office. I had those hexadragon commissions to send out and well...lets just say the mailbox didn't want them. So the jackbutt behind me decides to lay on the horn to tell me to get moving. So I pulled it out of the box and started moving...all the way to the high school to pick up my sister. Fortunately she was kind enough to take it into the post office and put it in the box inside for me.

Anyway, that was my slow day. Read some more of Eldest and every time I turn the page I see how good of a writer Christopher Paolini is.... Ok...that is just cool, the Cops theme song just came on my media player...I want a bad boy :( Oh well, that'll come in time too I'm sure. *Is trying to keep her mind off guys long enough to get things done* *sigh* not working... I know it doesn't mean much, but even though my brain and heart say no, my body is railing against me saying YES!!!! >.> and it sucks. I wish I could just stop the hormones sometimes....

Anyhowever, I'm rambling now so I'm going to leave. I have to go get my teeth cleaned tomorrow and then chic fil a!!! yay lol. Ok i'm out...later...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Currently Listening Unstable (Bonus DVD) By Adema So Fortunate see related

Rambling Again XD

Yes I am here again to ramble on about my uneventful day today. No progress on Cerberus :( but I wasn't very productive today anyway...that was probably because I was woken up to early and I was just angry because I was actually awake. I hate it when I'm all warm and comfy and in the deepest sleep ever then a parent calls to wake me up and tell me to let the darn dogs out -_- then they don't let me go back to sleep because I "sleep too much" I'm telling ya, its because I constantly keep getting woken up by every little noise and every time I roll over...so my sleep is interrupted and I need to sleep longer. No, going to bed at 2 am has nothing to do with it >.> Aaaaaaannnnnyyy way, lets see, what did I do today...Other than just waking up and being all wenchy cause I was woken up out of a good sleep I watched something on the Discovery channel about the shuttle Challenger. I can't BELIEVE its already been 3 years...2003. ......................<obligatory moment of silence for the crew members.

Oh yeah! I also watched Batman Returns with my favorite Batman! Michael Keaton *dance* loves Michael Keaton. AND my one of my favorite Catwomen. Penguin was still scary as mess, but it is still an awesome movie ^.^ GO BATMAN! *WOOT* Anyway, after that I read some more of Eldest, though I didn't get very far...Then I got fussed at by the parents because I don't "do anything productive" even though I take care of dogs, help with the dog kennels when I'm needed, drive my sister around, keep the house clean while I'm home, take care of all the other animals, and the list goes on. Just because I like to sleep doesn't mean I'm lazy, it just means I'm tired and I want to sleep...ya know? I mean seriously, today I didn't feel like doing ANYTHING because I was too tired, its not because I'm lazy, its because I'm so dang tired I don't have the energy to do anything....It sucks, it really does. Because then I get yelled at for being lazy when thats not even the case...

Anyway, just something else I have to deal with. I've also got to get moving on my job hunt...If I don't have a full time job during the summer I'm going to get kicked out of my house, and I have no place to go. And seriously...that sucks. I've got to take classes at the community college too because even if I make a 4.0 this semester I'm only going to have a cumulative 3.14 and I need a 3.2 for my mother to continue paying for my education. I screwed myself over my first semester >< Oh well...yet another one of those things...guess I'll burn that bridge when I come to it*shrug* I don't know what else to do...

Well, not to waste anymore precious time, I'm out :) laterz :P

Currently Listening Ten Thousand Fists By Disturbed Stricken see related